An emotion is not a problem but information, and information does not have to be solved. A feeling that gets seen settles on its own, usually within minutes. A feeling that gets tackled straight away stays, because it never arrived anywhere.
You want it gone. It only wants to be seen.
Something comes up and within seconds you are already working on the solution. What can I do about it, what does this say about me, how do I make it stop.
That is well meant and it works against you. An emotion that gets tackled before it is felt does not disappear. It moves.
Emotions have a running time
The physical side of an emotion is short, a few minutes. It is a wave: it rises, reaches a peak and falls.
What takes longer is the thinking about it. A thought can switch an emotion back on again and again, and then it seems to last for hours. It is not one wave but a series.
“A feeling that gets seen settles. A feeling that gets tackled moves.”
Why solving interrupts the wave
The moment you start solving, you go to your head. And in your head an emotion cannot finish its movement, because that movement lives in your body.
What happens then is that the wave stops halfway. That feels like a knot, and the knot asks for relief. Often that becomes food.
That explains why some people only eat without hunger in the evening. During the day there was no room to finish anything, so there are about five of them standing halfway. Together that is enough tension to walk into the kitchen without one clear trigger.
The reverse holds too. People who take ninety seconds a few times during the day find the evening goes more quietly. There is simply less that still wants something.
What feeling actually is
Less than people think. It is not a deep process and it does not take an hour. It is: noticing where it sits, noticing what it does, and letting it be for a moment.
That is all. You do not have to understand it or draw a lesson from it. Attention is enough.
That it is so little is exactly what makes it hard for many people. Something seems to be missing. Anyone used to tackling problems experiences doing nothing as negligent, even when it works.
It helps to see it as a step rather than as skipping a step. Feel first, then sort out if needed. In that order there is usually less left to sort out than you expected.
What does help
Give it ninety seconds. Set a timer if you have to. Most people are startled by how fast it settles when they do nothing.
Stay with the place rather than the why. Jaw, throat, chest or stomach. The moment you are at the why, you are solving.
Say what is there, out loud or on paper. That gives it a shape without you having to do anything about it.
Do the solving later. There is often genuinely something to arrange. Just not now, and not instead of feeling.
Think of something small that did not sit well today. Set a timer for ninety seconds and stay with the place in your body, without doing anything about it. See what is left.
The question that shifts everything
As long as you ask what to do with a feeling, you treat it as a task. Ask what is here, and it becomes information. And information settles on its own once it has arrived.
Frequently asked questions
Is this not just wallowing?
No, rather the opposite. Wallowing is thinking it through over and over. Feeling is giving the physical part time, and that part is usually done within minutes.
What if it does not settle?
Then see whether your thinking keeps switching the wave back on. That is most often what is going on. If that does not help and it lasts for days, have someone look with you.
I am afraid it will get too big if I allow it.
That is an understandable fear and it often comes from a time when there was no room for it. Start small then, with something from today, and not with the heaviest thing.
What does this have to do with eating?
A wave that stops halfway stays as tension. Tension asks for relief, and food is the fastest there is. That is the whole route.